Tami and I have been together for over 10 years now and we've been married for almost seven of those years. Outside my salvation, she is the greatest gift God has given me and by His grace I can say that I love and enjoy her more now than I ever have before. Over these last ten years I've learned many things. One thing in particular never ceases to amaze me, namely that I don't always understand her. She thinks differently than I do, she responds differently than I do, and she feels differently than I do about many things. This is both a blessing and a challenge.
The Apostle Peter challenged husbands writing, "Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way" (1 Peter 3:7). One of the many applications of this important text is that I have a responsibility to do the hard work of intentionally growing in my understanding of my wife. A couple years ago on one of my personal retreat days I sat and wrote out 19 questions that I've asked Tami over time with the goal of understanding her more. Tami's answers to these questions have sometimes surprised me and have often been uncomfortable for me to hear.
Husbands, I'd invite you to prayerfully read these and look for opportunities to ask your wives and grow in your understanding of the gift God has given you in her. As you ask these her these questions don't respond out of insecurity and don't get defensive. Instead simply ask, listen, repent, and adjust.
19 Questions to Better Understand Your Wife
1. Do you believe our marriage and family are the most important thing to me?
2. What are some things I do that make you feel special?
3. What are some things (both big and small) I do that irritate you?
4. What have been some specific times in our marriage when you have not felt like you were the most important aspect of my life?
5. What are some times you’ve felt the most loved by me? What specifically caused you to feel this way?
6. What your greatest pain points as my wife and the kid’s mom? What are the most difficult aspects of this duel role?
7. How can I better help with the kids day to day?
8. How can I better help around the house day to day?
9. What do you feel brings you the greatest joy in life?
10. What are some of the things we do that you find the most fun?
11. What does the ideal date night look like for you?
12. What does the ideal family day look like for you?
13. Do I draw you into too much of my job, or too little?
14. Do you feel that you have my full attention when I am home? If not, what steals me attention? (i.e. phone, twitter, etc)
15. What are some ways I can better aid you in your pursuit of Jesus?
16. How can I better help us read the Bible and pray together daily as much as possible?
17. What is your greatest fear?
18. Are there things I can do to make your life easier in general?
19. What’s the biggest thing you would like to see change in our marriage?